The Power of Healing

TW: emotional manipulation, verbal abuse

My therapist, Simone, once told me that someone who loves you shouldn’t want you to suffer nor should they want to be the source of your suffering. So many people think you’re supposed to love someone who drags you down to hell because not doing so means you don’t really love them. Those people are wrong. Love should not be painful. 

Ten months ago I broke up with my fiancé, Anthony, because his idea of love was using manipulation and abuse tactics at every turn to keep me docile. We dated for 3 years before he proposed. I knew things were rocky, but I assumed it would get better once we were engaged and committed to getting married. However, it seemed like things only got worse. 

The day of our engagement was full of joy and family. A new upscale restaurant, Elefante, opened in my favorite spa resort a few weeks before we got engaged. As an early Christmas gift, Anthony booked the presidential suite and planned an entire day at the hotel. We started off with brunch at a French restaurant across from the hotel while we waited for our room to be ready. Once the room was ready and brunch was over, we enjoyed the most wonderful couple’s massage. I almost didn't want to leave the massage table, but I knew extending the appointment would make us miss our reservations at Elefante. 

While I was in the bedroom showering, Anthony secretly worked with the hotel staff to decorate the room with rose petals, candles, and marquee letters. Luckily for him, it took me nearly two hours to finish getting ready, so he had plenty of time to set everything up. 

I made him wait in the living area of the suite so I could make a proper grand entrance to wow him in the black Mugler dress I bought for the occasion. To my surprise, when I opened the door I saw him at the end of an aisle created by rose petals and tea lights. Behind him the words “Marry Me” lit up the lightly dimmed room. 

I was immediately overjoyed. I was raised to believe being chosen by a man for marriage was the ultimate goal. So when he asked if I would marry him, I knew I would be a fool to say no. I tried to call my parents to tell them the exciting news, but he rushed us out of the room to be on time for the dinner reservation. As the waitress turned the corner to take us to our table, I saw 20 of our closest family and friends waiting to congratulate me. I smiled so much that night that my entire face hurt the next day. 

Two days later I was cussed out for being too excited about replying to a text from my guy best friend. He ended his verbal lashing by telling me how I should be lucky to have him because no one else would want to deal with me. I believed him. So I kept my head down and tried to contain any happiness I felt around him that wasn’t related to him. 

A week later when he was beaming from ear to ear after spending time with a random woman from his past that he reconnected with, I asked him what made their interaction so radiant. He responded by instantly yelling at me and calling me insecure. He stormed off and didn’t speak to me again for ten days. I felt more lonely than usual because I heard him laughing and talking with his friends, while I tried everything I could to get him to forgive me for being curious. 

The cycle of emotional manipulation and verbal abuse continued to intensify for three months before I found a therapist. I was hesitant when I first started sessions with Simone. I tried therapy in high school and college but was too inconsistent to see lasting progress. After three months of being cussed out nonstop and told that no one else would want me, I knew I had to go back to therapy so I could have at least one space where I felt safe to express myself.

Simone recognized Anthony’s manipulative and narcissistic tendencies by the second session. Her biggest challenge was helping me see it, too. Session after session I bared my heart with tears streaming down my face as I recounted the trauma I faced at the hands of Anthony each week. Simone poured positivity into me for an hour every week, but as soon as I returned home to Anthony, I was met with despair and heartbreak. It began to get overwhelming. 

Simone helped me realize that the more aware I became of Anthony’s vices, the more empowered I felt to stand up for myself. Soon I was able to reclaim the power I had given Anthony over the years. She also armed me with the tools to quiet the overwhelming feeling of being neglected. Instead of turning into a puddle of tears every time Anthony tried to belittle me to make himself feel powerful, I made efforts to replenish the happiness he so desperately tried to take. 

I became my own light. Once I did that, I left the isolation of darkness. My health issues went away and my career catapulted to the next level. Because I freed myself from internalizing the abuse I suffered at the hands of Anthony, my life improved significantly. My friends and family took notice and became curious about the uptick in my life. My sessions with Simone inspired me to be vulnerable about the mistreatment I experienced while with Anthony. After discovering the truth, I was encouraged by everyone to leave him. 

I stayed for another two months while I weighed the shame and embarrassment of a failed engagement. Simone and I worked tirelessly on planning the next steps for my life. She understood that the emotional price for leaving would be high no matter how convicted I was about starting over without him. We talked through the adjustment of being alone. I was terrified that I would be alone forever. She reminded me that being alone didn’t mean I would be lonely. In that alone time, I could experience peace that I hadn’t felt since before the relationship. Ending the engagement also meant there was hope for being deeply loved. I could experience a partner that truly loved away the memories of how it felt to be shattered every night with the expectation that I would put the pieces back together by the morning. Knowing I could receive love that didn’t hurt was enough for me to end things with Anthony. 

Luckily, Anthony and I opted not to live together until after marriage. For safety reasons, I went to his house and took my house key back while he was out of town. The day he got back, I asked him to meet me at a coffee shop where I officially ended things. He tried his hardest to tell me that I was making a mistake. He called me damaged goods because no other man would want to be with a woman with a broken engagement. He told me it was a red flag. I told him he should consider getting a therapist before getting involved with another woman. Then I walked out and never looked back. 

Now, I am free. Simone is helping me explore who I am without the heavy burden of being Anthony’s significant other. For the past ten months, I’ve been falling in love with myself. It’s beautiful. I speak so much positivity over my life that I radiate it. My friends often comment on how happy they are to see my smile return. I didn’t know how miserable I was until I remembered how joyful I used to be. Each day is still a work in progress, but I’m thrilled for the journey that I’m on. I can’t wait to see what love has in store for me. 

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, help is available at 1 (800) 799-7233.